Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wanted: Bride, Possibly Through Arranged Marriage - $1 (Provo)
I know this is low to sink to Craigslist but thats how desperate I'm feeling. I'm graduating from BYU soon in I-SYS and I know theres lots of arranged marriages in Nepal and Indi so Im willing to move there if you are willing to make this marriage work. I think the reason I have not found a girl; her ein marriage city is the fasct that I'm slightly balding. I usually play lots of WOW in my room so you need to be ok with that as weell as drinking lots of Mounatin Dew (non-caffeine, of course). I have made a substantial amount of money doing freelance computer stuff so money is not the problem. I just feel like nobody can see past the way I look here in provo,m maybe a girl from somewhere else can. Please let me know if this is the kind of propostiion that might work for you becayuse the solo, single life is a lonely road.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Win A Date With Mark Miller! (That’s Me) for Charity! - $1 (Beaver)
http://provo.craigslist.org/for/1799292526.html
Hey, I am really into this local charity that helps prevent gang violence in rural areas of Beaver County. I’m actually auctioning off myself as a date haha this is a bit awkward but it’s for a good cause.
On our date, I will take you out to the nicest restaurant in this area, which isn’t the nicest but for a small town we’re pretty lucky. It’s called Hungry’s Diner and they have some really great porkchops so I think you’ll like it. I will treat you like a real lady, open your doors, tell you you look pretty (even if you don’t), etc. I will pay for half the meal and we will get drinks with the meal (sodas) which I will pay for. After the meal I will take you to a scenic lookout where we can look at the rodeo grounds together. Then I will take you back to your car, probably by about 10 pm. By the way you will have to meet me in or near Beaver Utah so I hope this isn’t a problem.
The only issue is that I’m married, so my wife will be there too. She doesn’t like this idea, so we’re gonna have to pretend we’re not together and we’ll only be able to talk when she goes to the bathroom or something. Email Mark Miller with questions or bids
Hey, I am really into this local charity that helps prevent gang violence in rural areas of Beaver County. I’m actually auctioning off myself as a date haha this is a bit awkward but it’s for a good cause.
On our date, I will take you out to the nicest restaurant in this area, which isn’t the nicest but for a small town we’re pretty lucky. It’s called Hungry’s Diner and they have some really great porkchops so I think you’ll like it. I will treat you like a real lady, open your doors, tell you you look pretty (even if you don’t), etc. I will pay for half the meal and we will get drinks with the meal (sodas) which I will pay for. After the meal I will take you to a scenic lookout where we can look at the rodeo grounds together. Then I will take you back to your car, probably by about 10 pm. By the way you will have to meet me in or near Beaver Utah so I hope this isn’t a problem.
The only issue is that I’m married, so my wife will be there too. She doesn’t like this idea, so we’re gonna have to pretend we’re not together and we’ll only be able to talk when she goes to the bathroom or something. Email Mark Miller with questions or bids
Need Help Firing Satellite Into Space (Eagle Mountain, Ut)
http://provo.craigslist.org/lbg/1799044571.html
Hey, I recently was able to put together a satellite that transmits cellphone signal. Now that I engineered this I realized that I have no idea how to get this thing into space and operate it. I need some dude to help me rig up a rocket to send it into space so I can start my own private cell phone operation. I am doing this not for commercial purposes but because I have been screwed by those cell phone companies one too many times. Recently I was taken to arbitration because of some legal bull crap and had to pay them a ridiculous (confidential) amount. This inspired the idea of building my own "all-around network." I will only allow family and close friends to use this signal. I will pay you once the satellite is in full orbit and the network is up and running. Your pay will be access to this network for you and your immediate family for life. Oh, and also I do expect some up keep on this so all those who want to use the "people's network" would have to split the service fee to up-keep the satellite. May be an opportunity for you to personally fix it in space if we can figure out a way to do that. Also we wouldn't be able to use the newest cell phones because I was only able to find a satellite from the late eighties so the phones we will be using are from the eighties as well. Here is a link of the specific model we have to use (http://www.retrobrick.com/moto8000.html). You may remember it, it was the one Zach Morris used in Saved by the Bell. My family was embarrassed by this at first but I was able to convince them that it was cheaper to by these phones cause no one is using them and cooler because it was retro. Please let me know if you are interested in an engineering adventure, free cell service for life, and sticking it to the man!
Hey, I recently was able to put together a satellite that transmits cellphone signal. Now that I engineered this I realized that I have no idea how to get this thing into space and operate it. I need some dude to help me rig up a rocket to send it into space so I can start my own private cell phone operation. I am doing this not for commercial purposes but because I have been screwed by those cell phone companies one too many times. Recently I was taken to arbitration because of some legal bull crap and had to pay them a ridiculous (confidential) amount. This inspired the idea of building my own "all-around network." I will only allow family and close friends to use this signal. I will pay you once the satellite is in full orbit and the network is up and running. Your pay will be access to this network for you and your immediate family for life. Oh, and also I do expect some up keep on this so all those who want to use the "people's network" would have to split the service fee to up-keep the satellite. May be an opportunity for you to personally fix it in space if we can figure out a way to do that. Also we wouldn't be able to use the newest cell phones because I was only able to find a satellite from the late eighties so the phones we will be using are from the eighties as well. Here is a link of the specific model we have to use (http://www.retrobrick.com/moto8000.html). You may remember it, it was the one Zach Morris used in Saved by the Bell. My family was embarrassed by this at first but I was able to convince them that it was cheaper to by these phones cause no one is using them and cooler because it was retro. Please let me know if you are interested in an engineering adventure, free cell service for life, and sticking it to the man!
Male House Mate Wanted
http://provo.craigslist.org/hou/1798536017.html
I’m looking for a male housemate/flatmate/roommate whatever you want to call it. Here’s a bit about me so you can see if it’d work:
I’ve moved around a lot in my life. I like to see new places and I’ve been in the armed services. I’ve lived in the following places (all I can think of anyways):
Markansas,
Georgea,
Boyse, Guydaho,
Guyowa-I lived in Des Moines
Mansachusetts-I love Boston!
Mistersippi-lived in Jackson and other small towns
Mantana
Nebroska
Dude Jersey-Trenton!
New Manxico-land of enchantment, baby!
Guyoming-I lived next to Harrison Ford’s cabin!
I’ve worked as a maleman and I’ve worked as a brodeo clown too. I’m not much of a cook but I can make some mean manwiches.
I’m pretty much into anything fun, I really like listening to Alex Boye and boy bands. Please email me if you think this would work for you.
Mikey_d@hotmale.com
•Location: Provo
•it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1798536017
I’m looking for a male housemate/flatmate/roommate whatever you want to call it. Here’s a bit about me so you can see if it’d work:
I’ve moved around a lot in my life. I like to see new places and I’ve been in the armed services. I’ve lived in the following places (all I can think of anyways):
Markansas,
Georgea,
Boyse, Guydaho,
Guyowa-I lived in Des Moines
Mansachusetts-I love Boston!
Mistersippi-lived in Jackson and other small towns
Mantana
Nebroska
Dude Jersey-Trenton!
New Manxico-land of enchantment, baby!
Guyoming-I lived next to Harrison Ford’s cabin!
I’ve worked as a maleman and I’ve worked as a brodeo clown too. I’m not much of a cook but I can make some mean manwiches.
I’m pretty much into anything fun, I really like listening to Alex Boye and boy bands. Please email me if you think this would work for you.
Mikey_d@hotmale.com
•Location: Provo
•it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1798536017
Response to Gary Coleman Lookalike
we mostly just wanted someone to represent gary for out diff'rent strokes season 3 dvd release party, but a lookalike would be even better. i'd give you an 8/10 on a scale based on 15 lookalike factors!! that's pretty good! anyway, it's pretty short notice and i'm really afraid that you are probably already booked through the weekend. our party is tomorrow, 8:00-12:00. please let us know if you can make it. we would love to have you join us and make this special event even more meaningful.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Response to Gary Coleman Lookalike
Okay, I'm pretty sure you're joking, but your ad totally made my day. I just want to let you know I submitted it to Jay Leno for his show. I really hope that your ad makes it on! Rock on.
Response to Overweight Model and Motivational Speaker
We are looking for a grotesquely large person to model for us. Gender is a non issue because at that size they look the same. We only ask that the scooter be a Jazzy or a Rascal. Please respond with head shots if you meet these criteria.
Revolutionary Yoga and/or Jazzercise Instructor For Hire
Look, I’ve got child support and alimony to pay. I haven’t done Yoga or Jazzercise before, but I picked up a book on both at the local thrift store and I think I can do this. My prices are really cheap because I might not have the “experience” or “formal training,” but trust me, I’ll be fine.
For Yoga, I’m thinking we need to expand our minds and our bodies. The book I have shows some pretty basic stretches and poses, but you know what? If you do basic stretches and poses, you’re gonna get basic results. I’ve created some new poses and positions. I don’t wanna give them all away, but some of them include:
The grinning bear.
Falling leaves.
Mount Rushmore Remix.
Fallen porcupine, dying swan.
Sirius cloudcover.
The Red Bull IV Injection.
Fire on the mountain, fire in the loins.
And those are just a few of the things I’ve created. Basically, my Yoga program is going to change our bodies and change the world.
For Jazzercise, I’ve been listening to a lot of Jazz music. And I like the Utah Jazz too. I’m thinking we’ll just sort of do calisthenics while watching old Utah Jazz highlights (probably from the 1998 season-that combo of Stockton, Malone, Hornacek and Bryon Russell…man those were good days, I still think Jordan pushed off in Game 1 of the Finals). Or, if you prefer, we could listen to Miles Davis or something while we exercise. Like I said, I’m doing this to pay the bills, so I promise I will not let you down.
Email me for rates. I’m willing to come to you or maybe we could do this in Pioneer Park or something.
For Yoga, I’m thinking we need to expand our minds and our bodies. The book I have shows some pretty basic stretches and poses, but you know what? If you do basic stretches and poses, you’re gonna get basic results. I’ve created some new poses and positions. I don’t wanna give them all away, but some of them include:
The grinning bear.
Falling leaves.
Mount Rushmore Remix.
Fallen porcupine, dying swan.
Sirius cloudcover.
The Red Bull IV Injection.
Fire on the mountain, fire in the loins.
And those are just a few of the things I’ve created. Basically, my Yoga program is going to change our bodies and change the world.
For Jazzercise, I’ve been listening to a lot of Jazz music. And I like the Utah Jazz too. I’m thinking we’ll just sort of do calisthenics while watching old Utah Jazz highlights (probably from the 1998 season-that combo of Stockton, Malone, Hornacek and Bryon Russell…man those were good days, I still think Jordan pushed off in Game 1 of the Finals). Or, if you prefer, we could listen to Miles Davis or something while we exercise. Like I said, I’m doing this to pay the bills, so I promise I will not let you down.
Email me for rates. I’m willing to come to you or maybe we could do this in Pioneer Park or something.
Overweight Model and Motivational Speaker
I am very overweight and I would like to be a model for some sort of plus sizes organization. I would also be willing to model for art classes if they are studying Peter Paul Reubens.
I am unable to stand so modeling will be done from my motorized scooter. Smoke breaks a must.
I am also interested in being a motivational speaker at elementary schools or junior highs. I will talk to the children about maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I can also speak about how to avoid internet predators
I am unable to stand so modeling will be done from my motorized scooter. Smoke breaks a must.
I am also interested in being a motivational speaker at elementary schools or junior highs. I will talk to the children about maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I can also speak about how to avoid internet predators
Participants Needed to Take New Drug That May Cure Male Pattern Baldness!
I am an amateur chemist and I am SO EXCITED!!!! I’ve been working on a solution to male pattern baldness for DAYS and I feel like I might have found one! I’ve taken rats I’ve caught from my kitchen and shaved them so they’re bald (like me!) and I’ve since come up with a concoction that I think is WORKING!! I’ve been giving the rats this solution every day twice a day and their fur has been growing back!!! Now I need several human participants to try it! Keep in mind it’s all-natural, it’s mostly stuff I pulled out of the back of my fridge. No harmful chemicals or anything, and the rats seem to love it! I would like you to take it twice a day and maybe send me photos every week or something. I’m willing to pay, but I’m only 17 so I can’t afford too much. Let me know your requirements. Male and female needed.
"Chastity" Belts - $25 (Lehi, Ut)
http://provo.craigslist.org/for/1797257501.html
Hi friends, I am a young man who is really keen on saving himself for his future wife. However, I like many other young people have what my football coach called, "raging hormones." There have been more than a couple of occasions where I have almost tainted myself and my families good name by allowing the hormones to make me do thinks I didn't want to do. This is when I thought, "why don't I make myself a reminder?" In shop class I was able to make a belt buckle with the word chastity on it. I call it my "chastity belt." Every time after I found myself with "wandering hands." I was able to overcome the temptation because I remembered as I was about to unbuckle my belt that I wanted to keep my chastity. It has worked for years. I now want to help the community (and earn a few bucks-haha) by making them available to you. The belts come in men's and woman's sizes and I make them for casual and dress occasions. Please let me know your belt size and I can custom make them for you. It may take a while because I only have 45 minutes in shop class and it takes me 45 minutes to make one. However, I think you'll find their worth the wait and so will your future partner.
Hi friends, I am a young man who is really keen on saving himself for his future wife. However, I like many other young people have what my football coach called, "raging hormones." There have been more than a couple of occasions where I have almost tainted myself and my families good name by allowing the hormones to make me do thinks I didn't want to do. This is when I thought, "why don't I make myself a reminder?" In shop class I was able to make a belt buckle with the word chastity on it. I call it my "chastity belt." Every time after I found myself with "wandering hands." I was able to overcome the temptation because I remembered as I was about to unbuckle my belt that I wanted to keep my chastity. It has worked for years. I now want to help the community (and earn a few bucks-haha) by making them available to you. The belts come in men's and woman's sizes and I make them for casual and dress occasions. Please let me know your belt size and I can custom make them for you. It may take a while because I only have 45 minutes in shop class and it takes me 45 minutes to make one. However, I think you'll find their worth the wait and so will your future partner.
Actor to Teach an Important Lesson to Preschoolers (Provo, UT)
http://provo.craigslist.org/edu/1796952923.html
I am a teacher at Tears on Gethsemane Preschool, one of the top christian preschools in the county. Recently I have heard some of our preschoolers taunting one of our Jewish children. I am worried about this trend and wanted to teach our preschoolers an important lesson. My idea is to have you dress as the reanimated decomposing corpse of Adolf Hitler. I think this will be good because we have just finished a unit on WWII and so the children will be familiar with Mr. Adolf Hitler. Must explain that you are condemned to wallow in the pits of hell because of your hatred of Jews. We need to teach them that even though Jews killed Jesus we still have to love them. I also need help coming up with a convincing reason why the reanimated corpse of Hitler would be visiting our preschool (I am so left brained!). Must have a good understanding of European history from the 1900s-1940s and an ability to speak with a German accent is preferable. Stipend for Make-up and Costume will be provided. Contact Ms. Thompson in the front office if you have any more questions.
•Location: Provo, UT
•Compensation: $1
•This is a contract job.
•Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
•Please, no phone calls about this job!
•Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
PostingID: 1796952923
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am a teacher at Tears on Gethsemane Preschool, one of the top christian preschools in the county. Recently I have heard some of our preschoolers taunting one of our Jewish children. I am worried about this trend and wanted to teach our preschoolers an important lesson. My idea is to have you dress as the reanimated decomposing corpse of Adolf Hitler. I think this will be good because we have just finished a unit on WWII and so the children will be familiar with Mr. Adolf Hitler. Must explain that you are condemned to wallow in the pits of hell because of your hatred of Jews. We need to teach them that even though Jews killed Jesus we still have to love them. I also need help coming up with a convincing reason why the reanimated corpse of Hitler would be visiting our preschool (I am so left brained!). Must have a good understanding of European history from the 1900s-1940s and an ability to speak with a German accent is preferable. Stipend for Make-up and Costume will be provided. Contact Ms. Thompson in the front office if you have any more questions.
•Location: Provo, UT
•Compensation: $1
•This is a contract job.
•Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
•Please, no phone calls about this job!
•Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
PostingID: 1796952923
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
GARY COLEMAN LOOKALIKE FOR EVENTS, MEMORIAL SERVICES, PRIVATE MOURNING
I, like you, am deeply saddened and hurt by the recent tragic loss of Gary Coleman. However, I have been given a gift. Many, from the time I was a child, have told me that I look like, act like, sound like, and generally remind them of Gary. For this reason I have chosen to place this ad.
Being so similar to Gary is both a blessing and a curse. It is wonderful to have similarities to one of the world’s last remaining beacons of moral truth; it is a curse to have to tell people I am not Gary, and, sadly, the world will never have one like him again.
I am willing to come to parties, events, and preferably community memorial services or private mourning events and stand in place of our fallen hero. I have attached a photo of myself next to a photo of Gary Coleman so you may see how close we really are.
I’m doing this out of love for Diff’rent Strokes, not for greed. All proceeds and profits will be donated to Gary’s charity, the National Kidney Foundation. Please email me for availability.
•Location: Provo
•it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1795824376
https://accounts.craigslist.org/post/shwpst?pii=1795824376&db=lv
Being so similar to Gary is both a blessing and a curse. It is wonderful to have similarities to one of the world’s last remaining beacons of moral truth; it is a curse to have to tell people I am not Gary, and, sadly, the world will never have one like him again.
I am willing to come to parties, events, and preferably community memorial services or private mourning events and stand in place of our fallen hero. I have attached a photo of myself next to a photo of Gary Coleman so you may see how close we really are.
I’m doing this out of love for Diff’rent Strokes, not for greed. All proceeds and profits will be donated to Gary’s charity, the National Kidney Foundation. Please email me for availability.
•Location: Provo
•it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1795824376
https://accounts.craigslist.org/post/shwpst?pii=1795824376&db=lv
Clown at Children's Parties only $5.50/hour
Date: 2010-06-08, 2:36PM MDT
Reply to: serv-w7vch-1781958787@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am a semi-professional actor. I’ve never been a clown before but, really, how hard can it be? I need this extra money to support some…habits I’ve developed. I don’t really have a clown suit so I’m planning on wearing some of my mom’s weekend clothes, and maybe taking some of my sister’s eyeliner or something to paint my face. I actually have a restraining order preventing me from coming within 200 feet of people under 21, but I’ll provide one pair of binoculars and one telescope for the children to take turns using to they can see my act. I am going to try and incorporate animals into my act, so I’ll be bringing a 12-foot corn snake named Pongo, let me know if that is a problem. Also, I’m a chain smoker so I’ll need smoke breaks every 15 minutes. I won’t charge you for them. I’m planning on doing a few card tricks and maybe just telling some jokes for most of the time. Most of my jokes are risqué, so if that is going to be a problem please let me know ahead of time. Please email me with the subject line “Chuckles,” as that’s the name I’ll be going by. Due to court-ordered community service, I am only available Monday and Thursday nights.
•Location: American Fork
•it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1781958787
https://accounts.craigslist.org/post/shwpst?pii=1781958787&db=lv
Reply to: serv-w7vch-1781958787@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am a semi-professional actor. I’ve never been a clown before but, really, how hard can it be? I need this extra money to support some…habits I’ve developed. I don’t really have a clown suit so I’m planning on wearing some of my mom’s weekend clothes, and maybe taking some of my sister’s eyeliner or something to paint my face. I actually have a restraining order preventing me from coming within 200 feet of people under 21, but I’ll provide one pair of binoculars and one telescope for the children to take turns using to they can see my act. I am going to try and incorporate animals into my act, so I’ll be bringing a 12-foot corn snake named Pongo, let me know if that is a problem. Also, I’m a chain smoker so I’ll need smoke breaks every 15 minutes. I won’t charge you for them. I’m planning on doing a few card tricks and maybe just telling some jokes for most of the time. Most of my jokes are risqué, so if that is going to be a problem please let me know ahead of time. Please email me with the subject line “Chuckles,” as that’s the name I’ll be going by. Due to court-ordered community service, I am only available Monday and Thursday nights.
•Location: American Fork
•it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1781958787
https://accounts.craigslist.org/post/shwpst?pii=1781958787&db=lv
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