Look, I’ve got child support and alimony to pay. I haven’t done Yoga or Jazzercise before, but I picked up a book on both at the local thrift store and I think I can do this. My prices are really cheap because I might not have the “experience” or “formal training,” but trust me, I’ll be fine.
For Yoga, I’m thinking we need to expand our minds and our bodies. The book I have shows some pretty basic stretches and poses, but you know what? If you do basic stretches and poses, you’re gonna get basic results. I’ve created some new poses and positions. I don’t wanna give them all away, but some of them include:
The grinning bear.
Falling leaves.
Mount Rushmore Remix.
Fallen porcupine, dying swan.
Sirius cloudcover.
The Red Bull IV Injection.
Fire on the mountain, fire in the loins.
And those are just a few of the things I’ve created. Basically, my Yoga program is going to change our bodies and change the world.
For Jazzercise, I’ve been listening to a lot of Jazz music. And I like the Utah Jazz too. I’m thinking we’ll just sort of do calisthenics while watching old Utah Jazz highlights (probably from the 1998 season-that combo of Stockton, Malone, Hornacek and Bryon Russell…man those were good days, I still think Jordan pushed off in Game 1 of the Finals). Or, if you prefer, we could listen to Miles Davis or something while we exercise. Like I said, I’m doing this to pay the bills, so I promise I will not let you down.
Email me for rates. I’m willing to come to you or maybe we could do this in Pioneer Park or something.
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